Not quite "pregnant"? ponderings on "the human" (pt1)

I dont feel "human". I feel pregnant, othered, separate. A special form of disability. Ironically i don’t feel like a woman either, even though I'm becoming more like a stereotypical 1950’s housewife every day.

I feel “in limbo”, where I’m not quite a mother, but not quite “a woman”. Im “pregnant”. There is a stereotype and a separate category for this period of life. It is “future focused” and there are times where you are very much treated as if you are simply a vessel for your unborn child. Everything is centred on doing the best for your unborn child. Primarily this is sensible, eating the “right thing” doing “the right thing” etc. but it is not about the now, it is about the future. If you look in the media there is so much emphasis on the baby’s experience in the womb having an impact on their future it is not a surprise to have this focus. The premise is that the more “normal” a pregnancy you have the more “normal” a baby you will have.

I am reminded of my dissertation where I created an idea called spheres of normalcy. Basically there are norms that are like circles that people drift in and out of, closer and further away to the stereotypical norm of that particular group or characteristic. It is about “belonging” within a group, within the circle and having an identity. It is about feeling human in relation to other people. If you don’t fit in the circles, you exist within the gaps, supposedly without an identity. These spheres that I looked at for my dissertation concentrated on the university micro society, but it can be applied to any situation. For example if you imagine a sphere of normalcy for disabled and non-disabled people, there would be certain characteristics that would mean you would be closer inside one circle or another. It would also depend on you definition of disabled and non-disabled, but again, its about belonging, so there would be many different spheres for the many different ways to identify as “disabled” or “non-disabled”.  They could overlap, or exist separately. However, if you don’t feel you belong within or can find your disabled or non-disabled identity then you would, in theory be within the gaps. 

I didn’t focus too much on the gaps within my dissertation bar saying that this was an excluded group as they were without identity and often ignored within the society (university) I was focusing on. It also depends on the dominant discourse within that society as to how these circles are constructed and who controls the “borders” of entry and exit. The creation of the social model of disability for example created a new discourse (or circle of normal) for people to exist within who had previously existed within the gaps. 

However, I now find myself revisiting this concept to reflect on my current experiences of being pregnant. I don’t feel I fit within any of societies norms or circles. I don’t feel disabled, because I’m pregnant, but then I’m not quite pregnant because I’m disabled. I’m not quite a Woman because I’m disabled and a housewife, but then I’m not quite a housewife because I’m pregnant and disabled.

I can be a newly married, pregnant woman, but not disabled, or a disabled woman (but being pregnant and married doesn’t quite fit). All the labels that I should be using to define me just don’t quite fit me. I’m not normal in any sense of the word, which means I feel like I don’t belong. I fall between the gaps.

Is this a bad thing though? (to be continued here: http://concernningthenormal.blogspot.com/2014/02/not-quite-pregnant-ponderings-on-human_13.html