I am not quite sure how we ended up here. In the middle of being assessed by social services. I guess it all started when I got pregnant and my impairment was highlighted as something that needed additional support throughout my pregnancy and birth. So I was told. What actually happened was a series of assessments and interventions which were heavily medicalised and focused negatively on my weaknesses as a potential disabled mother.
I thought it was the end of it when I had a meeting with my "intervention worker" from the local childrens centre said it was. They said there was very little they could do pre birth but that because we had self referred they were leaving it to us to self refer again should we need support post birth.
And then, 3 or 4 weeks ago I had a phone call, completely unexpectedly. It was a social worker wanting to make an appointment to conduct what is known in social work as a "pre birth assessment". This process is only done in circumstances that mean that there is a potential cause of concern regarding the unborn child. As they admitted to me on the phone, they have no concept of the scope of my impairment and made no attempt to discover it, preferring to call it (and in turn me) bizarre. It has since evolved from that statement to complex, unusual and other describing words but the underlying sentiment is still there: they dont know what it is so they are concerned about it.
The social worker seemed accommodating enough, making the initial appointment to fit around my husbands working commitments. Unfortunately the first meeting was cancelled with very short notice due to the social worker being called away on urgent business. This delayed the start of the process by a week and left us both another week in limbo. When we finally had the initial meeting the assessment process was partially explained to us. We would be having separate meetings focusing on different aspects surrounding being a parent and how my impairment might impact on my ability as a parent. We also were told that we needed to discuss our family and support network and family history.
It was at this point that I was really concerned. It is not that I rely on my husband solely or that there are any control or abuse issues, but a simple fact of my impairment that I can not cope well with the set up the social worker was suggesting. Being on my own and being expected to answer challenging, intrusive and at times intimate questions causes me extreme stress. However, I was placed in a position where I had no power to challenge the process or request that someone was with me without it looking like I was unable (or unwilling) to co-operate fully with the assessment. However, the ironic thing is, were I allowed to have a supporter with me to keep me calm (bar my cat who sat on me the whole time the social worker visited) I would have been able to engage better with the process than I believe I have done.
I had the first meeting, convincing myself that my paranoia about the whole thing was down to hormones and irrationality. However, after being subject to such intimate questions about my husband and I's relationship status, such as how does the age difference have an impact on your relationship and then highly medicallised and negative questions about my impairment like what is it exactly (never accepting what i was saying and always questioning) I was slowly starting to think my concerns were justified. The social worker also wanted to know my reasons for having a C section, again not being satifised with medical reasons as an answer but wanting to know what medical reasons. They eventually asked what impact this choice would have on my ability as a parent. I don't think they expected me to tell them a positive impact because it is the least traumatic delivery option.
There was opportunity for me to demonstrate a bit of power and control at the first meeting. I was asked about how I seen my impairment, whether positive or negative etc. and I was able to give a comprehensive response based on my ideological stance around disability being socially constructed. However, this was soon thwarted with my second attempt to respond positively to the question as to what type of Mum would I be as apararnlty it wasnt enough to start with love, I had to then demonstrate that I was able to show love and affection effectively (reminder to self I am 8 months pregnant and newly married).
My husband was only subject to one of these meetings and the contents of which have been left specifically vague. He assures me that he did his best to present a positive outlook on our relationship and current life etc. which is reassuring to say the least. It is nice to have a supportive person backing me up.
My second meeting has left me (and everyone supporting me) a bit shocked. I rambled through my family history hoping that the various quirks were no more quirky than anyone elses family. I was then asked if I seen my situation as different to any other newly married soon to be parents situation. I was adamant that I didn't, why should I? I don't make a habit of comparing myself to other people and I have very few people of which I can compare. However I was made to feel like that was the wrong answer and that by sole reason of my impairment our family situation was different, and not in a positive way. We are apparently socially isolated, even if that is by choice and in our minds a positive thing. Then the big one.
The social worker said to me that the house was cluttered and untidy. They werent saying it was dirty, but they wouldnt accept that it was tidy. This is one of my biggest obsessions and something that I take very personally. By saying this to me instead of to us increased the feeling of a personal attack. I was asked if it was a lifestyle choice and I attempted to explain that although we didn;t chose to live like this, it was just the way we lived. However, you have to remember that at this point I was sitting in a tidy front room, where the only things out of place were on open shelves instead of closed shelves. There was nothing on the floor and the only other thing that might have been considered cluttered were the collection of moving boxes in the corner. We had moved in 3 months ago, we were still unpacking. Attempting to explain to the social worker that unpacking and moving in was taking longer than expected proved to be impossible to communicate. If anyone else can put the fact that my husbands just started work, im pregnant and so that means we only have the weekends to get the house straight and unpacked, with the burden of responsibility falling onto my husband in a way that the social worker can understand Id be grateful.
There were other, horrible things that happened during that meeting that left me feeling vunerable incapable and downright crap that I really dont want to go into here, but the whole process has reduced me to a ball of hormones and an emotional mess. I am 35 weeks pregnant, which again the social worker apologised for the delay but due to budget cuts its taken this long to see us, despite the fact it is against best practice to subject us to this at this emotionally fragile time.
I am, or at least I attempt to be a highly resilant person. This is not by choice per sea but by necessity. The summary of a recent study I read places reslience with the framework of interdependance rather than independence. However, as I was placed in a position of isolation and vunerablity by this process and felt some sort of shame in it, it left me with little resources to reach out to other people which lowered my resilience and therefore my ability to cope. I am attempting to constantly remind myself that I am a capable human being, but it is very hard when everything is against me saying I am not.
We are spending the weekend pleasing the social worker. The process of this house becoming our home has been temporarily put on hold whilst we have to priotise "tidyness" over personalising and preparing properly for our imminent new arrival, having to focus on specific points raised by the social worker instead. Although we have had help to do this, and I am highly thankful and grateful for the help, as I am particularly sensitive it has increased the feeling of powerlessness and vulnerability that has been increasing throughout this pregnancy.
I can't describe the feeling that this process is having on me as it is multi levelled, but in general it is pretty unsettling to have to santitise the house and depersonalise it to such an extent it doesn't feel like our home anymore. Not being allowed to have the space to breathe and discover how we are going to live in the space in the short term and after baby has arrived is suffocating. Apparently the house has to be in the sort of condition you'd expect from a show home and not a family home. This is, according to the social worker because they are not only assessing us for the next few months but the suitability of the family home for the entire of the childs life. So, although there have been no documented reports of a baby leaving the womb and walking and crawling around, being into everything and pulling everything off everywhere, we have to pretend that our baby needs the sort of environment suitable for a toddler or young child. There is no scope for adapting the house as baby grows up to accomodate the change in their needs and ours, or any ability to accept that we have the ability to change how we life. The house and our lifestyle has to be perfect now.
I have put on the wall my mothers day present. Rules worth living by.
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