(blog mentions a bit about medical reasons for abortion)
The power of the medical professionals scares me. It is even more apparent in pregnancy where you are subject to routine tests and other procedures done "for the good of the baby". I remember the first time it was mentioned to me that I needed to have a vaccine. It was said in passing to me as I was leaving one of my midwife appointments. I waited until my next one to ask exactly what it was and why it was needed. It is assumed that if a medical professional says its a good thing, its a good thing.
If you look at the tests and procedures that happen during pregnancy, they are in the main designed to protect you and your unborn baby from harm. However, if you look beyond the surface there are a few things wrong with some of these things.
The 20 week scan is called the anomaly scan. It is put in at 20 weeks because (in my opinion at least) the legal limit for abortion is 24 weeks. If there is something "wrong" with baby then there are "options" available. Its the same with the 12 week scan for downs syndrome testing.
I have had today the anti D injection, whooping cough vaccine and the flu jab (go me!). Apart from feeling like a pin cushion I am hopefully doing ok. There is an expectation that you will comply for the good of the baby.
For me there is an even greater reason to comply and not resist. If I turned around and said, its ok I don't need this test to find out if Baby has Downs syndrome or the anomaly scan it would be "concerning" to the midwives and the medical professionals. Not because it would be seen as my choice, but because it would be seen through the eyes of my disability and that I was somehow not able to make that rational choice. I would be seen as priotising my needs over the "needs" of my baby.
I could make a very convincing argument as to why these things are not "needed" (at least some of them) but in order to save myself from further scrutiny it is easier to comply and not resist. Resistance, as the borg say is futile. I can leave the rational arguments against scanning and testing in my head and on this blog (if I choose to) but I know that it would be dangerous to let them enter the real world.
The control that the medical professionals have scares me. There is little or no room for questioning their decision, especially if you are considered through the eyes of certain labels (like me). They know best and their word is law. It is the reason why disabled people rebelled and made the social model. To counter this oppressive power and control over their lives. It is, I think important for the medical professionals to remember that in general people are experts in their bodies.
I can give an example. Last week at my midwife appointment I insisted that my blood was taken to test the effectiveness of the drugs I take. Despite the midwife's instinace that I was tired because I was pregnant and that there was "no need" for me to be tested, she eventually allowed the blood test which revealed that yes, my drugs did need increasing, which will hopefully have a real impact on how tired I have been feeling. It was a really risky thing to do to question the midwife, but as I know my own body I shouldn't have been put in the position of resistance but of power and acceptance that I knew what was best. I think the medical professionals are scared to let the patients have any form of control over their bodies for fear of.. well I don't know.. resistance? rebellion? what is the worst that could happen?
As a final thought did you know midwives are obsessed with testing urine? They seem to love it. I know there's a genuine reasons but it makes me giggle that every time I go to them, even if its not part of my regular appointment schedule its "can you give me a sample?" (as if going to the toilet is some kind of Olympic sport for a pregnant woman? (for the uninitiated by this stage my bladder is a personal trampoline for baby to play on)
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
Thursday, 13 February 2014
Not quite pregnant, ponderings on the human (conclusion)
I could see this as a bad thing because I have been building
up my “Disabled” identity for a while now, and it’s part of who I am. Being
disabled, but being pregnant as well is culturally and socially 'wrong'. It feels
like rejection by both parties. I’m not allowed to be a normal “mum to be” by
professionals. The dominant discourse is very medicalised and the emphasis is
on something being “wrong” that needs “fixing”. I am excluded from the normal
motherhood group because of my “disability” label. I have to be cared for
differently and need extra “support” and guidance. The lack of reasonable adjustments
etc. Mean that mum to be world feels pretty exclusive (or excluding). But I’m
not a “normal” disabled person either, society gets excited when a disabled
person gets portrayed as pregnant on the TV (call the midwife for example),
news articles are written about us (mum to be with mental health problems
forced to have a C-section).
We are a rarity, an oddity. I feel less “human” as a result
of this non belonging as my identity IS my humanity. Not only that my new role
as a housewife/stay at home mum/domestic goddess gets called into question.
This is contextualised within culture as well as disability.
Where I’m currently living there is a high level of
unemployment. With my husband (a rarity to have round here) out at work all
day, I’m more likely to be seen as and treated like a single mum. If I were
living in other areas, it would be “normal” to be the wife who stays at home. A
housewife is kinda taboo here. But then, I have the added interesting
juxtaposition. I can’t be a true 'housewife' because I’m both disabled and
pregnant. My pregnancy prevents me from bending, lifting and carrying and doing
any strong cleaning, and my disability stops me from cooking anything beyond a
simple meal in the microwave(Although I am getting good at frozen packets of
veg and meat in the slow cooker food ;).
The dominant discourse within the local area is fixed by the
demographics of the population. The “normal” here is unemployed or low skilled,
white, non-home owning (primarly social housing), little or no formal
education, single parent or unmarried families. Our family makeup is skilled employment
and “disabled”, white, socially housed (found 2 we fit in!) degree level
education and married. It is another area where we don’t “fit in”, but this
doesn’t mean that our neighbours really “exclude” us, but our neighbourhood.
The services that are on offer around here serve the “local population” so
therefore don’t serve us.
But…
Does this really matter? Is it a really “bad thing”?
If I consider myself as “abnormal” even in the context of “abnormal”
and feel like I don’t fit in any category then is it so bad? Why is there that
pressure to fit in to a category of someone else’s making or design? I think its because it makes people feel more “human”,
but then why is this feeling of human so closely linked to identity. Human
equals normal in whatever context and that’s seen as a good thing. It is about
being part of a collective, which for disabled people is central to social
model thinking. Conforming to the same idea of being “disabled” makes it easier
to challenge the oppression and fight back (strength in numbers).
But…
What if..
What If I reject all of that?
Not being categorised. Not even wanting to fit into a “sphere
of normal”? What would that look like? Not being human brings with it (in my
opinion) freedom. Freedom to define yourself. It is not about not conforming,
because there’s nothing for me, or that I can to conform to. I have the freedom
to exist outside of the boundaries of human/normal. I can accept or reject any
aspect of what normal/human has to offer. It is, in effect a new category of
human, akin to the concept of X-men or tomorrow people. But in a non “physical”
sense, more of a social sense. Rather than seeing existing on the edges of
society as a bad thing, I should embrace it because who wants to be
normal/human/ part of the mainstream anyway?
Not quite "pregnant"? ponderings on "the human" (pt1)
I dont feel "human". I feel pregnant, othered,
separate. A special form of disability. Ironically i don’t feel like a woman
either, even though I'm becoming more like a stereotypical 1950’s housewife
every day.
I feel “in limbo”, where I’m not quite a mother, but not
quite “a woman”. Im “pregnant”. There is a stereotype and a separate category
for this period of life. It is “future focused” and there are times where you
are very much treated as if you are simply a vessel for your unborn child.
Everything is centred on doing the best for your unborn child. Primarily this
is sensible, eating the “right thing” doing “the right thing” etc. but it is
not about the now, it is about the future. If you look in the media there is so
much emphasis on the baby’s experience in the womb having an impact on their
future it is not a surprise to have this focus. The premise is that the more “normal”
a pregnancy you have the more “normal” a baby you will have.
I am reminded of my dissertation where I created an idea
called spheres of normalcy. Basically there are norms that are like circles
that people drift in and out of, closer and further away to the stereotypical
norm of that particular group or characteristic. It is about “belonging” within
a group, within the circle and having an identity. It is about feeling human in
relation to other people. If you don’t fit in the circles, you exist within the
gaps, supposedly without an identity. These spheres that I looked at for my
dissertation concentrated on the university micro society, but it can be
applied to any situation. For example if you imagine a sphere of normalcy for
disabled and non-disabled people, there would be certain characteristics that
would mean you would be closer inside one circle or another. It would also
depend on you definition of disabled and non-disabled, but again, its about
belonging, so there would be many different spheres for the many different ways
to identify as “disabled” or “non-disabled”. They could overlap, or exist separately.
However, if you don’t feel you belong within or can find your disabled or non-disabled
identity then you would, in theory be within the gaps.
I didn’t focus too much on the gaps within my dissertation
bar saying that this was an excluded group as they were without identity and
often ignored within the society (university) I was focusing on. It also
depends on the dominant discourse within that society as to how these circles
are constructed and who controls the “borders” of entry and exit. The creation
of the social model of disability for example created a new discourse (or
circle of normal) for people to exist within who had previously existed within
the gaps.
However, I now find myself revisiting this concept to
reflect on my current experiences of being pregnant. I don’t feel I fit within
any of societies norms or circles. I don’t feel disabled, because I’m pregnant,
but then I’m not quite pregnant because I’m disabled. I’m not quite a Woman
because I’m disabled and a housewife, but then I’m not quite a housewife
because I’m pregnant and disabled.
I can be a newly married, pregnant woman, but not disabled,
or a disabled woman (but being pregnant and married doesn’t quite fit). All the
labels that I should be using to define me just don’t quite fit me. I’m not
normal in any sense of the word, which means I feel like I don’t belong. I fall
between the gaps.
Is this a bad thing though? (to be continued here: http://concernningthenormal.blogspot.com/2014/02/not-quite-pregnant-ponderings-on-human_13.html
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
Call the midwife, attitudes haven't changed.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but attitudes towards disability and pregnancy haven't changed. Well, at least in my experience. There is the automatic assumption that as a disabled person that you either can not cope as a parent or need interventions and "support" from "professionals" to help you cope.
I am not denying that in some ways attitudes have changed for the better. I am a successful, married young woman with the freedom to live where I want to and with who I want to. However, becoming pregnant suddenly changes all that freedom into scrutiny, assessments and judgements.
At my first midwife appointment I was honest about my impairments with the midwife as I naievely thought it wouldn't make a difference. There was a bit of focus on what I couldn't do but nothing overly unusual to what I normally experience when I disclose my impairment and the disabling barriers that go alongside it.
Even the promised assessment sounded positive. It would mean that I could get the support I needed as a new Mum, and my husband as a new Dad and my carer might need to adjust to parenthood. It was logical, after all it is best to predict these things than have to rush in later on when things hit crisis point surely?
Unfortunately, the assessment had been miss-sold to us. It wasn't my husband or even my assessment but that of our unborn baby. It focused on the midwives concerns for the little one, and all the things that we couldn't do or hadn't even thought about if we could do them or not. I was 18 weeks pregnant at this point, and I would hope that not many families would be particularly ready for a new baby at this point. But apparently this was a concern. There was a concern about the state of our one bedroom flat, but as we pointed out we were due to move the week after the assessment so things would inevitably be, "a bit messy". Our 2 bedroom house is immaculate, thanks to the pressure and fear of the assessment, as oppose to our choice to keep it that way.
As a result of the assessment we have had social services involvement and other agencies showing up with their concerns. No new parent should have to deal with the constant judgements and the paranoia that we are dealing with, let alone a family who are already dealing with disability and pregnancy (a combination that sometimes just doesn't mix).
We feel under pressure to be the perfect parents to this child. We are in fear of making mistakes and I think we are now the most prepared couple you could ever imagine. I feel completely devalued as a mother, as it is all about my unborn child. I have become a vessel for baby and dehumanised along the way. There are moments of joy when baby kicked for the first time or when we went to buy their pram or found some lovely clothes for them to wear, but these are tinged with the constant reminder that the proffesionals think we are not suitable parents and we have to prove them otherwise.
For other parents there is no need for them to prove themselves as good parents before the child is even born. I think I slipped up when I admitted that no, I am not a good parent, as I am not even a parent yet and I probably wont ever consider myself a good parent as I will probably always make mistakes. This might seem like a perfectly sensible and logical statement but when I say it, because I have a label of impairment it brings with it some serious concerns.
Attitudes have changed, but they need to change a whole lot more before disabled parents are considered equally alongside non disabled parents. At the moment, ironically disabled parents have a lot higher standards to aim for than non disabled parents. We need to be allowed to be "just parents" and not have everything interpreted through the eyes of our impairments. If the dishes haven't been done by lunch time in a house with a new baby, this shouldn't be seen as a concern, but as a sign that the parents have been up all night and have been focused on the child.
I can't wait to watch the show on sunday, as I watch it most weeks. I am sure that attitudes have changed a whole lot, but I am not sure that they have gone far enough. Until documents like this http://webapps.stoke.gov.uk/uploadedfiles/Guide_to_Levels_of_Need_Jan_2013.pdf
change to reflect the fact that not all children whose parents / carers/siblings have chronic long term
I am not denying that in some ways attitudes have changed for the better. I am a successful, married young woman with the freedom to live where I want to and with who I want to. However, becoming pregnant suddenly changes all that freedom into scrutiny, assessments and judgements.
At my first midwife appointment I was honest about my impairments with the midwife as I naievely thought it wouldn't make a difference. There was a bit of focus on what I couldn't do but nothing overly unusual to what I normally experience when I disclose my impairment and the disabling barriers that go alongside it.
Even the promised assessment sounded positive. It would mean that I could get the support I needed as a new Mum, and my husband as a new Dad and my carer might need to adjust to parenthood. It was logical, after all it is best to predict these things than have to rush in later on when things hit crisis point surely?
Unfortunately, the assessment had been miss-sold to us. It wasn't my husband or even my assessment but that of our unborn baby. It focused on the midwives concerns for the little one, and all the things that we couldn't do or hadn't even thought about if we could do them or not. I was 18 weeks pregnant at this point, and I would hope that not many families would be particularly ready for a new baby at this point. But apparently this was a concern. There was a concern about the state of our one bedroom flat, but as we pointed out we were due to move the week after the assessment so things would inevitably be, "a bit messy". Our 2 bedroom house is immaculate, thanks to the pressure and fear of the assessment, as oppose to our choice to keep it that way.
As a result of the assessment we have had social services involvement and other agencies showing up with their concerns. No new parent should have to deal with the constant judgements and the paranoia that we are dealing with, let alone a family who are already dealing with disability and pregnancy (a combination that sometimes just doesn't mix).
We feel under pressure to be the perfect parents to this child. We are in fear of making mistakes and I think we are now the most prepared couple you could ever imagine. I feel completely devalued as a mother, as it is all about my unborn child. I have become a vessel for baby and dehumanised along the way. There are moments of joy when baby kicked for the first time or when we went to buy their pram or found some lovely clothes for them to wear, but these are tinged with the constant reminder that the proffesionals think we are not suitable parents and we have to prove them otherwise.
For other parents there is no need for them to prove themselves as good parents before the child is even born. I think I slipped up when I admitted that no, I am not a good parent, as I am not even a parent yet and I probably wont ever consider myself a good parent as I will probably always make mistakes. This might seem like a perfectly sensible and logical statement but when I say it, because I have a label of impairment it brings with it some serious concerns.
Attitudes have changed, but they need to change a whole lot more before disabled parents are considered equally alongside non disabled parents. At the moment, ironically disabled parents have a lot higher standards to aim for than non disabled parents. We need to be allowed to be "just parents" and not have everything interpreted through the eyes of our impairments. If the dishes haven't been done by lunch time in a house with a new baby, this shouldn't be seen as a concern, but as a sign that the parents have been up all night and have been focused on the child.
I can't wait to watch the show on sunday, as I watch it most weeks. I am sure that attitudes have changed a whole lot, but I am not sure that they have gone far enough. Until documents like this http://webapps.stoke.gov.uk/uploadedfiles/Guide_to_Levels_of_Need_Jan_2013.pdf
change to reflect the fact that not all children whose parents / carers/siblings have chronic long term
mental or physical health problems sit in the same category of need as those parents with drug and alcohol misuse or domestic violence issues (p16), then I am sure that this trend will continue. By pure defintion of my label I have intensive needs and have to accept the help of whatever agency offers it or I will be seen to be putting my own needs above that of my child (a concern of course).
Families, parents, parents to be who are disabled have it hard enough, without being offered judgement, paranoia, fear and assumption wrapped up in the form of care and support.
Families, parents, parents to be who are disabled have it hard enough, without being offered judgement, paranoia, fear and assumption wrapped up in the form of care and support.
Friday, 31 January 2014
the letter i feel like writing...
I have started writing a letter. I doubt it will ever get sent. Its to social services, and anyone else who feels they have a right to intervene in our family life. It is, in as nice as possible terms telling people to stuff off.
It is a weird process, akin to falling down Alices rabbit hole when I accepted an offer of so called support from my midwife. Unable to stop, and falling further into whatever it is they want to throw at us next without any warning or any control over it.
But I want it to stop. Right now. Unfortunately I have discovered a document this morning, which confirms my long held beliefs about such services and support networks. If you refuse to engage with them then they deem that to be of even more concern and then get even more involved. They deem that
of course it is them who deem whether it is a necessary thing to engage or not. There is no element of control and autonomy involved.
My concern is that because of my mental health problems I am already considered at level three. Simply by virtue of having them. This is considered intensive support, bordering on compulsory. If I decline their services I'l simply be moved up to level four where I really wont have a choice.
You may argue that I should be grateful for the support that I am being offered as not all new Mums get offered it. Yes, that would be true, if it was actually focused on our families actual needs. We are being shoehorned into services that don't quite fit our situation (at best, at worst they dont at all) and don't respect our family life and day to day functioning. It is arbitrary and universal, not individualised and specifically tailored.
In actual fact, the support that I am being offered is making my mental health worse. The pressure of having a social services assessment, and the surprise interventions that keep cropping up without warning are causing a great deal of paranoia, anxiety and concern for both of us. There is no clear action plan of what to expect, when to expect it or what it even involves. We are simply meant to comply and just get on with it.
I am trying to be positive in my letter to them. I am showing that in actual fact we don't need weekly visits to our house or assessments or concerns being raised. We have planned, as best as any new parents can plan what will happen when baby arrives. It is what I am used to, planning. Its how Daniel and I function.
The support that is on offer is seemingly directed at me. Daniel doesn't appear to get much of a say in this. It concerns me as we are a family unit and should be treated as such. He has the right to be involved in the support I get as well. By simply having the services running during office hours automatically excludes him and makes me feel like a single (unemployed) parent.
I wish I had the bravery to write this and even send it to them. Unfortunately the paranoia and aniexty of the consquences arent worth thinking about. It is empowering to consider how I would tell them to go away, if I ever could.
It is a weird process, akin to falling down Alices rabbit hole when I accepted an offer of so called support from my midwife. Unable to stop, and falling further into whatever it is they want to throw at us next without any warning or any control over it.
But I want it to stop. Right now. Unfortunately I have discovered a document this morning, which confirms my long held beliefs about such services and support networks. If you refuse to engage with them then they deem that to be of even more concern and then get even more involved. They deem that
"Children whose health and
development may be adversely
affected by parents declining to
accept support where
involvement of other agencies,
services or organisations might
improve engagement"
My concern is that because of my mental health problems I am already considered at level three. Simply by virtue of having them. This is considered intensive support, bordering on compulsory. If I decline their services I'l simply be moved up to level four where I really wont have a choice.
You may argue that I should be grateful for the support that I am being offered as not all new Mums get offered it. Yes, that would be true, if it was actually focused on our families actual needs. We are being shoehorned into services that don't quite fit our situation (at best, at worst they dont at all) and don't respect our family life and day to day functioning. It is arbitrary and universal, not individualised and specifically tailored.
In actual fact, the support that I am being offered is making my mental health worse. The pressure of having a social services assessment, and the surprise interventions that keep cropping up without warning are causing a great deal of paranoia, anxiety and concern for both of us. There is no clear action plan of what to expect, when to expect it or what it even involves. We are simply meant to comply and just get on with it.
I am trying to be positive in my letter to them. I am showing that in actual fact we don't need weekly visits to our house or assessments or concerns being raised. We have planned, as best as any new parents can plan what will happen when baby arrives. It is what I am used to, planning. Its how Daniel and I function.
The support that is on offer is seemingly directed at me. Daniel doesn't appear to get much of a say in this. It concerns me as we are a family unit and should be treated as such. He has the right to be involved in the support I get as well. By simply having the services running during office hours automatically excludes him and makes me feel like a single (unemployed) parent.
I wish I had the bravery to write this and even send it to them. Unfortunately the paranoia and aniexty of the consquences arent worth thinking about. It is empowering to consider how I would tell them to go away, if I ever could.
Thursday, 30 January 2014
Working 9-5.. (my experience of the childrens centre)
As the song goes...
Aside from other problems I have had with today's meeting (which I don't want to discuss here), I have found an interesting paradox. It would appear that my childrens centre doesn't cater for working families.
Whilst I am aware that the aim of the support on offer is for Mum and Baby, the assumption is that no one works. All services are monday-friday 9am-5pm. It was a weirdly surreal experience to be there as it felt like I was being treated as a single parent.
The support that is being given, should be given to us as a family. Whilst I am aware that I have different needs to Daniel, I was under the impression that the point of the support is not about me, or him but our unborn child. In this case, as we are equal parents we should be seen as equals.
Aside from other problems I have had with today's meeting (which I don't want to discuss here), I have found an interesting paradox. It would appear that my childrens centre doesn't cater for working families.
Whilst I am aware that the aim of the support on offer is for Mum and Baby, the assumption is that no one works. All services are monday-friday 9am-5pm. It was a weirdly surreal experience to be there as it felt like I was being treated as a single parent.
The support that is being given, should be given to us as a family. Whilst I am aware that I have different needs to Daniel, I was under the impression that the point of the support is not about me, or him but our unborn child. In this case, as we are equal parents we should be seen as equals.
I am not a single parent, nor should I be made to feel like
one by only involving me in activities and support related to and concerning
our baby. In addition, as Daniel is my main carer (in the context of my
impairment) and the person who understands my impairment and its disabling
effects the most I feel unable to engage with a service that operates within
his working hours.
I hope it really isn’t the
case that they can only provide support for unemployed or part time workers, if we can’t access their support as a
family, and as it is as a family we need support then it will be of little help
to us.
It raises interesting questions about the nature of the support and who their target audience is assumed to be. Whilst I am aware that childrens centres are meant to be there for unemployed people (in some way at least) shouldn't they also be there for waged families as well?
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
todays midwife appointment.
this is my blog for all my maternity related rants. I'm also working on past experiences in other posts so it might be a bit jumbled.. bear with me :)
At my appointment today I had the realisation that it doesn't matter who my midwife is. It is unfortunate that I have to come to this conclusion, but I am going to find it very hard to have a relationship with someone who has the power over me to refer me to social services should they have any "concerns" about me. A midwife is meant to be working in partnership with me and supporting me. They are for the mother. However, because in my experience they haven't worked with me but against me then their role has completely been diminished.
I thought that by changing to a new midwife I could re establish a decent relationship with a new one but then I realised today that its just not necessary. The role of the antenatal midwife is just that. They are not going to be present at the birth, that will be a hospital midwife and after the birth it will be health visitors. As their role is (in my opinion) so small I can "get by" by just being polite and complying with the various tests and things that needs to happen.
It is also about survival, and trust. I feel that you have to completely trust the midwife with you and your baby. However, if I had any concerns I would really struggle to raise them with her for fear of the repercussions of doing so. I have to be so careful with what they might think of me that I can't go to them with any concerns. Thankfully I do have another team that I can go to if I need to.
That being said, it was a positive experience. This trust issue that really hit me today, has also bizarrely been resolved today. The midwife has referred me to the Doula service. This is a voluntary service in Sheffield where Mums to be are given support and advocacy from 6 weeks before birth, during birth and 6 weeks after birth. Here is a brief description of the service:
Sheffield Doula Volunteers Project The Doula project is part of Sheffield City Council and aims to support pregnant women throughout the last six weeks of their pregnancy, during the birth and six weeks postnatally. The Doula offers emotional and practical support, to prepare the mother for the birth, increase bonding and attachment with their baby and offer information and support with breastfeeding. Mothers are sign-posted to relevant services to enable them to get off to the best start once they are discharged from the Doula programme. The Sheffield Doula Service is a city wide service and is free of charge.
The Sheffield Volunteer Doula Project is a project training local women to be volunteer doulas or birth partners.
What a Doula can do for you:
• Offer continuous emotional and practical support before and after the baby is born
• Attend appointments and antenatal classes with you
• Give you information and support with planning the birth
• Provide information and support with breastfeeding
• Offer support at the time of the birth, which can make labour a more positive experience
• Visit the local children’s centre and attend mum and baby groups with you
This sounds like exactly the sort of support I need. Lets just hope it doesn't work out like my first attempt at asking for help and is a more positive experience. From what I have heard of Doulas in the private sector it sounds like they are well worth having.
At my appointment today I had the realisation that it doesn't matter who my midwife is. It is unfortunate that I have to come to this conclusion, but I am going to find it very hard to have a relationship with someone who has the power over me to refer me to social services should they have any "concerns" about me. A midwife is meant to be working in partnership with me and supporting me. They are for the mother. However, because in my experience they haven't worked with me but against me then their role has completely been diminished.
I thought that by changing to a new midwife I could re establish a decent relationship with a new one but then I realised today that its just not necessary. The role of the antenatal midwife is just that. They are not going to be present at the birth, that will be a hospital midwife and after the birth it will be health visitors. As their role is (in my opinion) so small I can "get by" by just being polite and complying with the various tests and things that needs to happen.
It is also about survival, and trust. I feel that you have to completely trust the midwife with you and your baby. However, if I had any concerns I would really struggle to raise them with her for fear of the repercussions of doing so. I have to be so careful with what they might think of me that I can't go to them with any concerns. Thankfully I do have another team that I can go to if I need to.
That being said, it was a positive experience. This trust issue that really hit me today, has also bizarrely been resolved today. The midwife has referred me to the Doula service. This is a voluntary service in Sheffield where Mums to be are given support and advocacy from 6 weeks before birth, during birth and 6 weeks after birth. Here is a brief description of the service:
Sheffield Doula Volunteers Project The Doula project is part of Sheffield City Council and aims to support pregnant women throughout the last six weeks of their pregnancy, during the birth and six weeks postnatally. The Doula offers emotional and practical support, to prepare the mother for the birth, increase bonding and attachment with their baby and offer information and support with breastfeeding. Mothers are sign-posted to relevant services to enable them to get off to the best start once they are discharged from the Doula programme. The Sheffield Doula Service is a city wide service and is free of charge.
The Sheffield Volunteer Doula Project is a project training local women to be volunteer doulas or birth partners.
What a Doula can do for you:
• Offer continuous emotional and practical support before and after the baby is born
• Attend appointments and antenatal classes with you
• Give you information and support with planning the birth
• Provide information and support with breastfeeding
• Offer support at the time of the birth, which can make labour a more positive experience
• Visit the local children’s centre and attend mum and baby groups with you
This sounds like exactly the sort of support I need. Lets just hope it doesn't work out like my first attempt at asking for help and is a more positive experience. From what I have heard of Doulas in the private sector it sounds like they are well worth having.
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